Do i miss you? I asked myself that question recently. I kept thinking what i missed about you

the things that you did for me that made me miss you, then i realized that what i missed was the

version if you that i had created in my mind, The version that had so much potential in my mind, the future version of you, This is version is the one that helped me get through the red flags that i chose to ignore, it helped me get through the moments when we argued due to unhealed triggers. i 

convinced myself that this version of you was real even though it was a potential version of you, That is why i stayed and I fought. I then realized that what you did didn't break my heart, you broke that dream, that fantasy, that illusion of a story i was writing in my head while ignoring the one that you showed me with your actions. Funny how the heart and brain works...My brain was telling me, this is just a fantasy..nothing is changing, she isn't changing but my heart didn't care, it loved harder, told my brain to wait a little longer that she wouldn't fail us like the other had and my brain listened. But you didn't change you just would go back on repeat because you never did the things

that required change, you never loved me or yourself enough to say to yourself..im done with these patterns, these habbits, these triggers, I'm done with the pain of my past memories anchoring and haunting my present and delaying my future happiness. 

So yes,  i miss that fantasy of the life that i wanted next to you, the future of a life and a person i imagined that never came.

The version of love that i was giving that never came... 

then i asked why did my heart break, maybe because i wasn't really in love with you, i was in love with the person that you said you were willing to become and told me you would become but you never loved me enough to actually become her, even worst you didn't love yourself to break free of who you were to become who you were intended to be.