Anxiety or Anticipation over an event?

Title: Anxiety or Anticipation Over an Event

After my divorce, I remained very involved and active in the Church for about six years. I held a temple recommend, had callings, and felt that I was at a high spiritual level. Then, certain circumstances brought deep disappointment and hurt—mainly because, after six years of being single and doing everything I was supposed to do spiritually, I still hadn’t found my eternal companion.

Eventually, In 2016 I met and began dating someone who was a member of the Church but not active. She was also going through her own spiritual struggles—she was angry with God because of her divorce. I tried to help her by sharing scriptures and supporting her the best I could. But instead of lifting her up, I found myself slipping. I began doing things I never would’ve considered before—having the occasional glass of wine, becoming sexually involved, attending church less, and slowly neglecting prayer and scripture study.

This led me to a place of spiritual numbness. I had lost the companionship of the Spirit. But because finding love had become more important to me than my relationship with God, my spiritual priorities faded into the background.

Fast forward to the present: I met a beautiful woman whom I truly fell in love with. She was not a member, but within a few months, she chose to get baptized. I was thrilled. I thought, She loves me and now she’s a member of the Church—I’ve found my eternal person! But despite this spiritual milestone, my perception had changed over the years. Wounded by past experiences and unaware of deep emotional issues from my childhood, I thought, She needs to want the gospel for herself. Salvation is personal. I’ll support her if she asks, but she needs to pray, study, and grow on her own.

That mindset was a mistake, and it cost me greatly.

Our relationship became more strained due to communication issues, unhealed wounds, and childhood triggers that we both had and were still unresolved. We both decided to begin therapy. I did it with the hope of figuring out how to become a better person and a better partner. Through therapy, I’ve uncovered key emotional patterns that deeply affected the relationship.

Around the same time, I had a conversation with my bishop. He reminded me how important it is to stay close to Heavenly Father. He asked me:
“Are you willing to lose everything you've learned in the Church—every blessing you’ve received, every person you’ve taught, your testimony and spiritual experiences, the companionship of the Spirit—but most of all, your relationship with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, just because you want something or someone?”

Those words echoed in my soul.

What was more important—my need for love and intimacy, or my relationship with God?

It was like a movie flashback—I saw how much time had passed and how much I had wasted. I was filled with panic. I felt a deep urge to change things now. I mentioned this to her, but due to the pain she was going through, it was hard for her to understand. She said, “No one can just change overnight. You’ve tried to change before—what’s different now?”

To give some perspective, Elder Dale G. Renlund gave a powerful analogy during the April 2025 General Conference that describes what I’ve been feeling, and why I believe change is possible—sometimes even suddenly.

“Consider this insight provided by the 18th-century Hasidic scholar Zusya of Anipol. Zusya was a renowned teacher who began to fear as he approached death. His disciples asked, ‘Master, why do you tremble? You’ve lived a good life; surely God will grant you a great reward.’

Zusya said: ‘If God says to me, “Zusya, why were you not another Moses?” I will say, “Because You didn’t give me the greatness of soul You gave Moses.” And if God says, “Why were you not another Solomon?” I will say, “Because You didn’t give me Solomon’s wisdom.” But… what will I say if God asks, “Zusya, why were you not Zusya? Why were you not the man I created you to be?” Ah, that is why I tremble.’”

This hit me hard. I’ve been living a life that isn't who i am and who i was meant to be. A life that mirrors those who have never heard the gospel—living by “You Only Live Once,” telling myself “Just live a little. One drink won’t hurt. I’ll figure it out later.” But if I were to die today and face God, and He asked me, “Did you live the life I laid out for you?”—I would want to hide at the edge of the universe in shame.

In that moment of reflection, I remembered every blessing God had given me: the people He placed in my path, the times my life was spared, the miracle of finding the true Church—. Out of 8 billion people, I found the restored gospel. People have  better odds of winning the lottery than accepting the true Church of God

This is the reason for my urgency to change. I feel I’ve wasted so much time, and now I must work hard to realign my life at a double pace—first repairing my relationship with God, then with forgiving and taking care of myself, and finally with those I’ve hurt. It’s not easy for others to understand what someone is going through, but when you realize you could’ve had the life you wanted if only you had healed sooner… that becomes your motivation. When you finally understand that the emptiness you’ve felt didn’t have to exist—and that it can go away—that’s when you set new priorities. You fix what needs to be fixed, and you act on it.

She once told me, “When I make a decision, I go all in.” That is a form of sudden change. It’s waking up one day and realizing: “I want this. This is good for me. I don’t want to lose it. If I do this, I can be happy.”

The real problem is losing sight of what truly matters—what is eternal. When you lose focus, you don’t realize what you’re capable of losing until it’s gone.

The topic of this journal entry is “Anxiety or Anticipation Over an Event,” referring to the deep anxiety I feel about not being prepared for the Second Coming of the Lord. It’s the same trembling feeling Zusya felt on his deathbed—the desire to know I’ve lived a life that’s right, the life of who i was meant to be and the impact I could;ve had with the people that were in my life

This anxiety drove me to change. At first, I wanted to prove to people that I had changed—“Look, I’m different now!” I would say,  But true change is hard to prove overnight. What I meant was, “I’ve come to a realization. I’ve hit a crossroads.” One path continues the pattern of unhappiness, failed relationships, and spiritual numbness. The other path is the one that will transform everything—my life, my relationship with God, with my family, and with the people I love.

I no longer want to live in fear of how knowing i am not prepared for the Second Coming, nor out of shame for the life I’ve lived. Instead, I choose to live in anticipation—with hope, purpose, and commitment. I know who I want to be: a man who walks with God, who honors his covenants, and who loves with integrity. The anxiety I once felt has become a sacred motivation—not to perform for others, but to become who I was always meant to be. This journey isn’t about being perfect; it’s about being aligned. And now, for the first time in a long time, I’m stepping forward with both eyes open, ready to meet the Savior—not with trembling alone, but with trust.

I am committed to keep moving forward—learning from my mistakes, growing from these experiences, making amends with those I’ve hurt, and transforming my love into one that is selfless, devoted, loyal, and unconditional—because I want to show that I can love the way I hope to be loved